"Turnip Stew"

By Ariel

Disclaimers:

1. Xena and Gabrielle and all related characters from the show Xena: Warrior Princess do not belong to me.

2. Xena is the property of USA, StudiosUSA, MGA or some other bigwigs not associated to me in any way.

3. No copyright infringement is intended by this, and no profit is made in any way.

4. This story posted here may contain in whole or in part love between two women. (But this story isn't very graphic.)

5. If you find this story offensive, send me some e-mail. It is intended to be humourous, so take it that way.

6. There is no number 6.

Comments, feedback, and constructive criticism may be sent to Ariel_GB@hotmail.com, or visit my website at: http://www.ameritech.net/users/catmmo/index.htm Thank you.

Gabrielle stood on the deck of the ship, holding the small black urn with Xena’s ashes. "A life of journeying has brought you to the farthest lands, to the very edges of the earth." Her words were spoken as if they had been written in a script.

Xena appeared next to her, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "And to the place where I’ll always remain - your heart. So where to now?"

"I think we should go south, to the land of the Pharaohs, I hear they’re in need of a girl with a chakram."

"Where you go, I’m at your side."

"I knew you’d say that. "

Xena kissed Gabrielle on the top of the head. "So what kind of ship is this anyway? There aren’t any sails up, and there’s no crew."

"That’s a good question, Xena." Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders. "I guess we just let it float around and see what happens, I mean, we do always seem to get where we’re going - usually with incredible speed considering we’re from ancient Greece."

"Well then, maybe we could make some good use of our time while we’re waiting to see what happens next." Xena gave Gabrielle a suggestive wink.

"Sounds good to me. Maybe we could try that thing where I passed you some water again." Gabrielle put her arms around Xena and tilted her head up, parting her lips slightly. Xena leaned down, running her tongue over her lips. Just as their lips touched, however, Xena’s whole body when transparent and she went right through Gabrielle, landing on her hands and knees on the ship’s deck.

"Ow!" Xena yelped, then got back onto her feet, watching Gabrielle, still posed for a kiss realize something was amiss.

"Well, that stinks." Gabrielle turned to face Xena, a frustrated frown on her face. "I just don’t get this whole ghost thing. You can hold a katana, but you can’t hold your chakram, you can hug me and kiss the top of my head, but you can’t kiss me on the lips. There seems to be some real downfalls to this." Xena scowled at her. "No pun intended."

Just then Xena completely disappeared. Gabrielle found herself alone on deck again. "And then there’s that vanishing act." She started to think that maybe she should figure out how to get the ship to go in the direction of Egypt. She walked over to the doors that lead below deck to see if anyone was in one of the cabins. "Hello? Anyone down here?" She called as she went down the stairs.

"Gabby! Boy am I glad to see you!" A figure came out of the darkness, and with a somehow familiar clanging noise, rushed up to her. Gabrielle was so startled that she almost dropped the urn as she found herself being swept up into a tight hug.

"Joxer?" Gabrielle gulped and looked at him. He was no longer the old man he was when he died, but appeared 25 years younger than the last time she had seen him - just as he did before she and Xena had taken their little ice nap. "What in the world are you doing here?"

"I don’t know what I’m doing here. I was just, well, I was just dead, and now I’m here. Pretty neat, huh?" He put his hands on his hips and gave her a huge goofy grin. "Hey, what’s that you’ve got there?" He pointed at the urn in Gabrielle’s hands.

"It’s Xena."

"It’s Xena’s? What is it?"

"No, it’s not Xena’s, it’s XENA."

"Oh, I get it. Someone put a spell on her right? Turned her into a little black bowl?"

"Joxer, you flaming idiot, Xena is dead, this is an urn, and her ashes are inside."

A look of disbelief spread over his face. "Quit joking around Gabrielle." He walked past her then and began looking around. "Xena? Xena where are you? This is a pretty funny joke you guys, but you can come out now."

Gabrielle sighed and shook her head. "Gods, what did I do to deserve this?" She addressed the urn. The room suddenly lit up, and Aphrodite appeared. "Well now things are starting to make sense."

"Hi little one. How’s it going?" The woman in the sheer pink robe smiled.

"Just peachy, Aphrodite, what do you think? My best friend is dead and suddenly now the only person in sight is…" She gestured toward the bumbling warrior wannabe who was still looking around for Xena. "By the way, did I ever tell you how much I hate it when you call me ‘little one’?"

"Sorry Gabs. I was just trying to help by bringing Joxer to you. I thought you might be lonely considering Xena’s…um, accident."

"But why Joxer? Couldn’t you have brought Xena back instead?"

"I’d love to, but there’s some crazy god union rules about the Greek gods messing with the gods of Japa, yada yada yada."

"Well it’s very frustrating you know? Xena and I can’t figure out the rules of her ghostly being, we can touch but we can’t kiss, and then she just disappears suddenly. It’s ridiculous, and somehow I can’t help feeling that whenever that happens that she’s being summoned by that little bitch, Akemi."

"Akemi? Who’s that?" Joxer suddenly stopped his useless searching and came back over to Gabrielle. "Hey Aphrodite! How are you?" He hadn’t even noticed when she appeared.

Gabrielle looked at him briefly, but directed her comments toward the goddess. "She’s the one who sent word to Xena to get her to go to Japa in the first place, and as far as I’m concerned, she’s the reason why this is all I have left of my best friend." Gabrielle held out the urn. "Didn’t those gods tell you anything?"

"Well, I was getting a manicure at the time, so I might have missed that one itty bitty detail."

"You were getting a manicure?! You might have missed that?!" Gabrielle got right up in Aphrodite’s face. "I thought you were our friend!"

"I’m sorry sweetie. I guess I wasn’t thinking. You know you and Xena mean a lot to me. What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Tell me how to fix this!" Gabrielle shoved the urn right up under the nose of the goddess.

"Okay, okay!" The goddess took a step back, holding up her hands in resignation. "Why don’t you fill me in on all the details and I’ll see what I can do." She snapped her fingers and a couch appeared. The two women settled down on it so Gabrielle could relay the story.

"Joxer, why don’t you see if you can find the galley and get us something to eat. Don’t cook anything though, just see if you can find some cheese and bread or something." Gabrielle said to the man as he looked on, hoping to get rid of him for a little while. More than thrilled to have her ask him to do something, he clanged out of the room.

---

Meanwhile, back at the teahouse, Akemi sat patiently waiting for Xena to appear - which she shortly did - wearing an outfit that was more suitable to Japa. "I was waiting for you to return. I wrote you a poem."

"Are you the one who makes me keep disappearing away from Gabrielle?" Xena didn’t look very pleased.

"Well, yes, but…"

"But what? This is really annoying, Akemi. Plus, I don’t like these stupid shoes you always put me in. Who ever thought wooden sandals could be comfortable?"

Akemi chose to ignore her, and started reciting her poem.

"Would you shut-up already? Did I ever tell you I think your poems suck?" Xena was genuinely irritated as she reached over and took the parchment away from Akemi. "It looks pretty written down, but it sure sounds horrible." She looked at the characters, then folded up the parchment putting it into the pocket of her robe. "Now, quit doing this crap, and tell me how I can get back to Gabrielle."

"All she has to do is call your name."

"Oh, is that all, gee, I sure wish I had known that before you got me back here." Xena paced up and down the room, hating the way the uncomfortable shoes sounded on the floor. Finally she just kicked them off, aiming them right over Akemi's head so that she flinched. "I hope you know Akemi, that I am not very happy with you. I think you are a lying, deceitful little bitch. I don’t know what I ever saw in you, and I only wish I had realized that all this was your fault before I gave up my last chance to go back to life."

"But Xena! I love you! I was yours before you even met Gabrielle!"

"Hey, you were fun back then, but I see you haven’t changed a bit. You’re still a whiny little brat despite all the years that have passed since you pulled that stupid stunt of killing your father. How old are you - were you - anyway? Twelve?"

"Well you sure didn’t seem to mind how young I was then, what changed?"

"Are you accusing me of being some kind of pedophile? You know as well as I do that I never touched you, and all those sappy poems you wrote, ha! As for what changed - I did - now cut it out and leave me alone." Xena stomped out of the teahouse and went to sit on the dock, absently pushing lillypads around with her toe as she sulked and waited for Gabrielle to call her name.

---

Gabrielle summed up the story to Aphrodite pretty quickly, and the goddess gasped when she was finished. "You mean to tell me that the whole thing was an accident? Clearly this was not Xena’s fault. I am so outta here." With a snap of her fingers the goddess disappeared, along with the couch, and Gabrielle found herself landing with a thud on the floor.

"Why does she have to do that!" Gabrielle was clearly annoyed as she stood up and brushed the dust off her clothes.

"Do what?" Joxer clumped back into the room holding a tray loaded down with food. "Hey, where’d Aphrodite go?"

"I think she’s going to try to fix this mess." Gabrielle eyed the tray of food suspiciously, noting that despite her request that Joxer not cook anything, a steaming pot of something met her gaze. "So Joxer, what did you make?"

"My famous turnip stew of course. I know how much you like it."

"How about we go up on deck to eat?" Gabrielle started up the stairs, with Joxer following right behind. Once on deck, he gave her a large bowl of his noxious smelling stew. "Yum, looks delicious." She took the bowl and tried not to wrinkle her nose. "Joxer, did you happen to see any wine while you were in the galley?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot it. I’ll be right back." Joxer ran back toward the galley as Gabrielle unceremoniously dumped the contents of her bowl over the rail of the ship. Quickly she began stuffing her face full of bread and cheese hoping Joxer would take a few minutes to come back. She really was hungry, but not about to eat any of the stew.

"I guess you really must have missed my cooking!" He exclaimed when he got back with a wineskin and two goblets. "Here, there’s plenty more where that came from." Gabrielle could only sigh as he filled her bowl, and she wondered if she’d be able to distract him again.

"Joxer, look at that bird." She pointed, and as he looked up, she quickly dumped half the bowl of stew over the rail of the ship.

"I don’t see any bird, Gabrielle." He looked back at her and she moved her mouth to make it look like she was chewing. "Gosh you eat fast."

"I guess I was hungrier than I thought. How about pouring some wine for us?" Joxer turned and began to pour as Gabrielle dumped a little more of the stew over the rail, and stuffed another chunk of bread into her mouth.

"Hey, what happened to all the bread?" He looked at her and then back at the loaf that was already half gone.

Gabrielle swallowed. "Um, there was a bird, and I thought it looked hungry."

"Oh." Joxer nodded, then looked in the air again, trying to see a bird even though there wasn’t a single one in sight. "Must have been when I was in the galley."

"That’s right, it came up while you were gone. I don’t know where it went…oh wait, there it is." She pointed again, and of course Joxer looked as she dumped the remaining stew from her bowl over the rail. A large chunk of turnip made a splashing noise as it hit the water.

"What was that?" Joxer turned and looked over the rail.

"I think a fish just jumped." He just shrugged and filled a bowl of stew for himself. Gabrielle always just assumed he must have built up immunity to his cooking. He started to try to fill her bowl up again, but she grabbed it away. "Thanks Joxer, but I’m full."

"Suit yourself." He took a huge spoonful and shoved it in his mouth. A horrified look came over his face as he turned green and spat the mouthful of stew over the rail. "Geez Gabrielle, this stuff tastes like sweat, how could you eat this?" He dumped the rest of the bowl over the rail as Gabrielle groaned.

Gabrielle excused herself to go find the ladies’ room, which of course there wasn’t one, so she made due with the men’s’. When she came back out on deck, she saw Joxer holding a lyre and grinning. "Hey Gabrielle! Look what I found!" He began strumming then filled the air with his voice.

"Hey, I should change the words to that, huh?" Joxer plucked at the strings again, with Gabrielle cringing at how they were slightly out of tune. He cleared his throat and began again.

"Aaarrrggghh! That’s it! I can’t take this anymore!" Gabrielle screamed as she ran to the rail of the ship. "Xena, I’m coming to join you!" She leapt up and with one fluid motion she was over the rail and plunging down toward the water.

"Gabrielle, wait!" Joxer ran after her and reached the rail just in time to see her blonde hair sink below the surface.

"Well that was totally uncool." Aphrodite was suddenly by Joxer’s side, looking over the rail at the ripples in the water where Gabrielle disappeared. She turned and with a wave of her hand, one very wet Gabrielle appeared back on deck, sputtering and spitting seawater.

"Dammit Aphrodite!" She yelled. "Why are you torturing me?"

"Hey now, don’t blame me! What made you decide to take a little swim?" Gabrielle just glared at her and pointed at Joxer. "Oh, sorry Gabs. Jox, guess it’s back to the Elysian fields for you - sorry honey." With a flip of her wrist he was gone.

"What’s going on?" Xena walked over to where Gabrielle stood dripping. She was still wearing the robes that Akemi had outfitted her with.

"You were with Akemi, weren’t you!" Gabrielle couldn’t keep the jealousy from her voice as she looked at her tall dark-haired friend.

"Yeah, but I set her straight. I told her to quite pulling me away from you. She said that all you needed to do was call my name and I’d be back. Guess you must have called my name?"

"She called your name just before she decided to dunk herself in the sea." Aphrodite explained. Xena looked at Gabrielle with a quizzical look.

"Miss Pinky-pants here decided I’d be lonely without you so she sent Joxer back to keep me company, and after faking it through two bowls of turnip stew and that damn ‘Joxer the Mighty’ song I couldn’t take it anymore."

"Ah, say no more." Xena opened up her robe and pulled the bard in close to her, wrapping it around her friend to dry her off.

"Well isn’t that just adorable!" Aphrodite chuckled as she watched the two of them.

"Shut-up!" Xena and Gabrielle said in unison.

"Hey, no need to get snippy! Remember that I’m trying to help you two! I’ll have you know that I talked to those gods from Japa again, and I think we might have come up with a solution." Xena and Gabrielle both looked at her, a little suspiciously. "All you have to do is convince them that it was all Akemi’s fault, and that she deceived you on purpose for her own gain."

"How’s this for some evidence?" Xena pulled out the folded parchment from the pocket of her robe and showed it to Aphrodite. Gabrielle pulled away from her and went to try to read it over Aphrodite’s shoulder as the goddess laughed out loud.

"What does it say?" Gabrielle continued to stare at the characters. Aphrodite began to recite:

"Moldy cheese?" Gabrielle groaned. "That whole poem smells of moldy cheese. I sure hope my poems aren’t that bad." Xena looked down at her feet, refusing to say anything. "Xena, please tell me my poems aren’t that bad."

"Um, no Gabrielle. I think your poems are lovely, but it would be nice if they didn’t all start with, ‘I sing a song of…’"

"So I’m not Sappho, give me a break." She walked away with a huff and went to sit on a barrel.

"She’s so temperamental." Xena shook her head and turned back toward the goddess. "What happens next?"

"We go to the council of the gods of course."

---

After Xena completed one of her amazing two-second outfit changes, she was back in her leathers and armor, and the three women found themselves in the United Nations of Gods council room. On a high throne-like chair sat the god Emma-O, the judge of the dead for those in Japa. On his right said sat Akemi, and on his right, Xena.

With a great booming voice, Emma-O started to speak. "Aphrodite, of the Greek Gods, why is it that you have brought us here?"

Aphrodite had also done a quick change of outfits and was now wearing a very smart-looking pink business suit and a pair of spectacles. "If it pleases you, oh high one, I would like to present a case of misrepresentation on the part of Akemi, who has manipulated the Warrior Princess Xena into believing she had to remain dead to release the souls of some forty thousand people."

"And how do you plan to go about doing that?" Emma-O asked, his voice rattling everything in the room.

"I'd like to call on my first witness, Benten, who I believe is the goddess of love in these parts?" The large double doors at the back of the room opened and a woman came in, riding on a dragon. "I am also presenting this piece of evidence, a poem written by Akemi." As the love goddess of Japa approached the front of the room, Aphrodite handed her the parchment with the poem that Akemi had recently written.

The woman on the dragon read through it quickly then began to laugh hysterically. "Well, although this is probably the most horrible poem I have ever had the misfortune to read, it does clearly seem to be a love poem, and as the goddess of love around here, I also know that it was intended for Xena."

Aphrodite went to collect the piece of parchment from Benten, then presented it to Emma-O for his perusal. "Thank-you, Benten, I have no further questions for you." She looked to Akemi then, who, for some reason had no one to stand for her, and so there were no other questions as her mouth was gapping open and she couldn't have spoken if she wanted to. "As my next witness, I would like to call on Kuni-Toko-Tachi, who I believe was on Mount Fuji at the time when the fight between Xena and Yodoshi took place."

The meek looking earth god approached the front of the room, and without saying anything, just nodded to admit that he had been there.

"Did you, or did you not see the way Gabrielle showed her true love for Xena by retrieving her ashes to try to revive her, yet even more so, how she did NOT put the ashes in the fountain based solely on Xena's wishes?"

Kuni-Toko-Tachi nodded again, still remaining silent.

"Now I ask you, Emma-O, does this or does this not prove to you that Gabrielle acted completely and utterly unselfish in her love for Xena, whereas this one here..." and she pointed at Akemi "...only did what she did out of want for her own selfish gains?" Removing her spectacles, Aphrodite went right up to the large god and looked him square in the eye. "Doesn't that mean anything? Akemi was the one who killed her father, made him Lord Yodoshi the Eater of Souls, and Xena only got caught up in it all by wanting to fulfill her last wish of putting her ashes in Higuchi. Clearly if the townsfolk had not attacked Xena because of Akemi's actions, no one would have burned that night." Aphrodite turned then to face the audience, quickly giving Gabrielle a wink before she continued. "The way I see it is that little Miss Moldy Cheese here was only thinking of herself. She had a pretty posh afterlife in that teahouse but it just wasn't good enough for her, so she decided to call on the assistance of Xena to force her into thinking she deserved to pay for all those souls."

"Xena, do you have anything to say about this?" Emma-O asked the warrior.

"Aphrodite is correct. I thought that giving my life would redeem me, but I can't believe that is true since I was tricked into it. Only after it was too late did I realize what Akemi had up her sleeve all along. Even in life she made a habit of tricking me, making me teach her the pinch only so she could kill her father."

"And you, Akemi, do you have anything to say about all of this?" The young-looking spirit just picked her jaw back up off the floor, and in a panic she tried to flee from the room, her robes fluttering around her like the wings of a moth. Emma-O just sighed, and with a swat of one of his large hands he batted her down. "I guess I will deal with you later, Akemi. As for you Xena, I cannot believe that you are totally innocent, but I do not believe you deserved to give up your life for this little wench. I will grant you the right to return to your mortal existence, but as a punishment, I declare that you will have to spend the rest of your days with that irritating blonde over there." He pointed at Gabrielle whose eyes went wide as she realized the insult.

A cheer went up around the room and everyone jumped up, ready to congratulate Aphrodite on her fine persuasive skills and to tell Xena how lucky she was to be able to go back to her mortal life. The crowd assembled consisted mostly of souls from Japa who thought the afterlife was pretty boring.

---

After thanking Aphrodite profusely, Xena and Gabrielle once again found themselves on the ship that may or may not have been headed for Egypt. Xena was just about to go about figuring out where the sails were hidden when Gabrielle began to speak.

"Xena, do you think that was really a punishment? Am I really just an irritating blonde?"

"Well Gabrielle, you're not nearly as irritating as you used to be, and you and I both know that's not your natural hair color."

The End

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