Chapter One ~ After the Fact

She had been gone for only a day; I stood on the deck of the ship, holding her ashes, wondering why on earth I didn’t just throw them in the fountain when I had the chance. Greater good - right … what was I going to do without her?

I held the urn to my chest again. Wishing I had had the chance to say all I wanted to say to Xena before she left me. Damn her. I felt so angry with her for leaving me; even though she came to me to tell me she would always be in my heart. I loved her so much; I didn’t know what I would do without her. And if she thought she was just going to keep coming to me – that ghost of hers – well, she had another think coming.

"Xena, how could you do this to me?" I cried out to her. I know the anguish in my voice was showing. "How could you be so nonchalant about this?" I wanted to let her know how badly I hurt inside.

I thought I heard her voice, but when I turned to look for where her voice came from, to confront her I saw nothing - nothing but the black of the sea. All those years we had been together, I knew what she did was right, but … I still had a hard time living with what she did. She let herself be killed, let herself be killed. Wasn't that just like her, taking the blame for forty thousand people. She wanted to be some kind of martyr. Well fine, let her be. Forty thousand people she didn’t even know, people that hounded her because she loved someone, and at the time that someone wasn’t me.

Gods why didn’t I just throw those ashes in the fountain? I felt like my insides were tearing up. I knew why she did what she did, but I couldn’t help feeling angry, and yes, just a little bit sorry for myself. She did love me, I knew that, but the fact that she felt a stronger need to save the souls of forty thousand people she didn’t even know … how could I not feel a sense of anger at that?

At first I was jealous of Akemi. Why had she kept Akemi from me? Why did she take so long to tell me about her? I mean, I knew Xena had loved others before me, but I knew about them. The men never bothered me so much, Borias, Marcus – she was a different person then. I couldn’t find it in myself to dislike Borias after meeting Solan; they had made a beautiful son together. And Marcus, well, he redeemed himself. The women gave me a harder time, LaoMa, M’lila … I know she loved them too. I almost felt guilty about because the reason why I was never really all that jealous was because they were all dead. Even when she showed an interest in a man that was living, like Rafe or Ulysses … she always came back to me. I mean, realistically, we weren’t married or anything, so who was I to stop her from getting a little on the side?

After all, I did marry Perdicus. And what the hell was I thinking when I did that? I wish I would have told Xena how I felt about her, but I was too scared at the time. I loved her too much. I could only justify in my mind marrying Perdicus because that was, at the time, the only way to keep myself from letting Xena take me heart and soul. Why I didn’t want her to take me heart and soul is beyond me now. I think I wanted her to stop me. I wanted her to tell me not to marry him. I wanted her to stop me instead of letting things play out the way they did.

Now that I think about it, Callisto almost did me a favor by killing him. I hated her so much at the time, but deep inside me I knew she was doing me a favor. She set me free, she gave me the excuse I needed to go back to Xena. I was thinking it all along, how I could tell my family what happened to Perdicus and they would accept that and not feel like Xena had been the one who tore me away from my family and turned me into something they didn’t understand.

But then I found out about Akemi. I could feel the jealousy well up in me again as I looked down at the urn where I held Xena’s ashes. I wondered why Xena never told me about her before. Why it was that in just a matter of days from finding out about Akemi that I found myself with nothing but a small black vessel holding all of what I had left of the woman I loved. It was almost all I could do to prevent myself from throwing the urn into the sea, but something stopped me, I didn’t want Poseidon to have her. I wouldn’t let anyone have her. She was mine completely for once. For the first time since I met Xena, I felt like I owned her, and not the other way around.

The sun completely set again over the sea, and I looked at that sunset as a constant reminder of what I could have done. Why couldn’t I have been selfish for once? I could have dropped her ashes into the fountain. I could have. Only my love for Xena stopped me, and it was the love for her that made me regret letting her go.

I finally turned away from the rail of the ship. Funny how I didn’t ever feel seasick anymore.

**********

I knew I was tossing and turning in my sleep. The ship had been rocking like crazy. I wondered if maybe Poseidon has been mourning over the loss of Xena himself. It never seemed like there was any love lost between the two of them, but I knew Poseidon liked her spirit.

"Hey, come here. Whenever you feel yourself getting sick, just hit this point like I told ya," came the voice, and I found myself hitting that pressure point on my wrist that Xena had showed me years before. Hard enough that I woke myself up. I was in a strange place, a state somewhere between unconsciousness and a fully awakened state.

"Xena?" I sat up, expecting to find her at my side. Expecting to find her reach over to comfort me like she had done so many times in the past when I had a bad dream. But she wasn’t there. And I knew she wouldn’t be there again. Suddenly it hit me again that she was gone. I knew that I was still in a state of shock and worried that even her ghost was going to disappear from me. I still needed her too much to let go. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep, to let her come back to me even though it could only be in my dreams.

I couldn’t breathe. Being below deck was always somehow worse for me than anything. Alone in a bed without Xena, and on a ship besides … I ached for her. I was practically gasping for air as I struggled from the sheets; I must have tossed a lot in my sleep because they were wrapped very tight around me. When I finally freed myself, I reached through the dark to find the stairs so I could go back up on deck.

Pushing through the hatch, I was greeted by the coming sunrise. Just a glint of light was starting to emerge through the clouds, and I could tell that the day ahead was not going to be a pretty one. That’s all I needed was another ugly day. But then again, any day would seem ugly without Xena at my side. Sure, she told me that she was always going to be beside me, in my heart, but how can that compare to actually having a physical living being beside me? And my heart … I felt myself starting to shake. Sometimes the body will say the things you don’t want to say out loud.

I looked down at my hands and found that even through my struggle to get back up to the deck of the ship, I still managed to grab Xena’s urn on my way. I didn’t even realize I had done it. I needed to think. I needed to do myself the favor of thinking on my own without the help of Xena. What was all that about? She wanted me to know all she knew … she wanted me to take her place. I felt myself feeling the anger again because I was starting to realize that when she showed me the pinch, when she said that stuff about wanting me to know everything she knew … she knew that she was going to let herself be killed. She put me in a position to take over for her. She knew exactly what was going to happen, and she didn’t even have the guts to just tell me. I remember her saying she was afraid I would try to stop her, and saying if I did then we’d both be dead. We had died together before, why did she feel like she had to do it alone this time?

So bloody strong and yet, when it came to emotions and love, she was weak.

I thought about what we talked about, going to the land of Pharaohs. It was almost like foreshadowing when she said that she heard they were in need of a girl with a chakram. I should have known. Xena never referred to herself as a girl. I swear she was psychic. And there we were, right about to have a really great night just enjoying each other’s company by the fire, when that monk had to come along and ruin everything. I even felt my eyes roll up in my head because of the way that happened. It reminded me so much of the time when we had that trouble with the "Green Dragon". Couldn’t these situations start off with some kind of originality for gods’ sake?

Not only that, but it had been starting to look like the evening was going to get a little romantic for a change. I had made her those dumplings with the red stuff inside that she liked so much – a good change of pace from all the stinking fish we normally ate. She seemed relaxed for once, we hadn’t had to "bust heads" for awhile, and I was going to read to her from the scroll she got for me from Sappho. I guess that’s what I get for assuming too much.

Why couldn’t I let go of that anger? Gods know my jealousy caused problems in the past, but maybe my jealousy could redeem me this time around. I could remember her introducing me to Akemi as her soulmate. I only wish she knew how much that meant to me. I wasn’t just her partner, her sidekick. I can feel my heart pang when I think about how she used to tease me with that song Joxer wrote, but I also remember the way I couldn’t help but laugh when she would tease me with it. She would lower her voice and sing, "With Gabby as her sidekick, fighting with her little stick." I used to pretend that it bothered me, often giving her a punch in the arm when she did that - not that it would ever hurt her. She let her guard down so seldom, and it made me feel special that she could do that with me.

"Feel the surge of blood just below the skin," I heard her voice saying to me. That time it is not her ghost, that time I was remembering her words. The sound of her voice when she said please … "Gabrielle, if I only have thirty seconds to live, this is how I’d want to live them, looking into your eyes…" I asked her to stop it, but she went on, "always remember I love you."

That would always haunt me, the way she said, "Today more than ever, I want you to know what I know." She sent me off knowing what she had planned on doing. When I thought back on it, I could picture her watching me walk off through the smoke, knowing it was the last time I would see her alive, and not even so much as telling me good-bye.

Yet how could I have not known? The way her eyes looked as we sat together, facing each other. The tears in her eyes and, what was it – fear? I had never seen that look in her eyes before. How could I have been so stupid not to see it then? Was I so blinded by my faith in her that I was able to overlook what should have looked too obvious?

I was about to make a decision. This time I was not going to do what I planned. I was always looking for a plan, but this time I changed my mind. I was not going to the land of the Pharaohs. I had been there and done that one already. I didn’t need to put myself through seeing the place again where I had seen Xena acting the part of Cleopatra again and reminding myself of her and Antony. Why would I want to do that to myself? Even though she said she didn’t care about him, I still remember the way she turned her eyes from me when I asked about it.

**********

Many days later, after many nights of not sleeping I woke from a fitful nap. The ship had traveled up through the Red Sea and was docking. I got my gear together and got into a small boat to take me to shore. A fish jumped out of the water unexpected, and landed in my lap. It made me laugh, and then, it made me feel sad all over as it reminded me of the way Xena used to throw fish out of a river into my lap.

We had landed near Cairo. I never did like Cairo very much, it is hot and the smells assault my nose. Vendors were everywhere, selling trinkets that are useless replications of weapons. I instantly hated all the sights I saw, and looked to find somewhere to get away from the screaming merchants.

I headed for a grocer, buying a small loaf of bread and some cheese. I had eaten very little in the past few weeks; my stomach was unable to handle much. Even then I didn’t feel hungry. But I knew I had to eat. I walked as quickly as I could to get out of the town, and that was not easy as I was feeling very weak from my loss of Xena and my emaciation. But I needed to get some solace. The days upon days on the ship with a rowdy crew and the crowd in Cairo had only made me want to be alone.

I finally found a place outside of the town where there was a lone tree, seeming to struggle with life in the hot sandy soil. I relaxed in the shade of it, the small leaves and somewhat gnarly branches giving little shade, but it was comforting to me. After a small meal, which was not much since my stomach had shrunken, I felt myself finally doze off.

"I told you I’d see you here," the voice said again. I ran to the fountain to get water and ran back to Xena, I could see myself reflected in her eyes as I kissed her and passed to her the water from my mouth to her own. That woke me again.

I remembered myself frantically trying to retrieve the urn from where it had dropped below onto a ledge on the cliff. Knowing that this time I was on my own, and Xena was not going to be able to pull me back up if my foot should slip on the frozen rock. That was really the first time I started to feel alone, and I didn’t even really realize it at the time. I didn’t even see the fight. Xena fighting Yadoshi … all I could think of was getting that urn. I pulled myself back up, only to have her refuse me the right of bringing her back. She said Akemi told her that the souls had to be avenged, and that it meant she had to stay dead. I didn’t want to care. I didn’t care. I wanted so badly to throw that urn into the fountain. But I didn’t do it.

Instead I watched the sun sink below the mountain, watching my only hope of ever having Xena back go with the light of the sun. I never loved her more in my life as I did at that time, knowing that what she did was for the greater good, and that is what I always wanted from her, but I had also grown to want something else, something other that the greater good. I wanted Xena for myself.

I found myself weeping again. This time I let myself go. I never really let myself cry since she left me, but now, I was alone, and I could let myself go. I wept long and hard, beating at the ground with my fists, my anguish finally coming to a head. I yelled out her name, I cursed her name; I wanted so badly to let her know how much I hurt inside.

I paced up and down beside that lone tree, waiting for Xena to come to me, to say something, anything. But she never came, and the more time that went on with me waiting, the more I paced, and the crazier I grew. At one point I drew my sais from my boots and threw them as hard as I could at that tree, taking out my aggressions of hurt and betrayal. They sunk deep, and after I was able to compose myself somewhat, I found it difficult to retrieve them.

I thought again about how she said she would meet me at Mount Fuji, and yet, when I was there, she still deserted me. She knew all along that she wasn’t coming back. I should have known that. It wasn’t the first time she had sacrificed her life.

I needed to think about my plan. I needed to get myself out of the state I was in and think clearly. "Gabrielle, what would you do…" the voice came to me again, and I listened to it.

**********

What would I do? I thought about it long and hard. I considered going to see the Amazons. But I did not want to go there yet. They were, they are family to me, but I didn’t want to go and face them with the news. A generation had passed since I arrived on their doorstep with Xena’s dead body before, and I didn’t need to relive that, not yet.

I needed a horse. If I was going to get anywhere, I needed a horse. I remembered a time when Argo had intimidated me, but in the years that followed, I had grown accustomed to the creatures, and no longer dreaded being on one. It had helped when I was able to sit behind Xena on Argo though, and able to wrap my arms around her, forgetting that it was a horse that suspended us above the ground.

Cairo was not an easy town to work with though. The people were poor, the attitudes even more so. I was always so good at the barter, haggling was one of my strong suits. But now, I looked more like a warrior than the innocent girl I was, and in all actuality, it was harder to get anywhere looking as I did now. I wondered if maybe people used to pity me or think of me as cute and let me get away with things years ago as opposed to now. I still didn’t look threatening enough to scare people into giving me what I wanted.

I wandered from shop to shop attempting to trade all I had for supplies to get me where I needed to go. I still had a few dinars to my name, but not much, and my Greek money wasn’t of much value in Cairo. I had a handful of small items that Xena and I collected over the years, mostly gifts that were given to us after saving a village or some other good deed. In the end, the sentimental value I had placed on the items far outweighed what I got in trade. Of course there were things that I could not bear to part with, my scrolls, and things that were Xena’s.

The only horse trader in town was a very hardheaded man. I argued and haggled with him, but I did not have enough to trade or buy even the mangiest beast in his stable. After some time he did offer me a trade. He told me he would give me a donkey that had seen better days for one night with him, as well as the money. I looked at the animal, and then I looked at the man – the word animal better suited the man. He grinned at me with yellowed teeth and breath that stank from him powerful enough to cause birds to fall from their perches.

"Gabrielle, what would you do," the voice said to me again. I looked at the man, and then with a brisk turn of my heels, I walked out of the stable. I then did something then that was very unlike me. I had some of the local money from my trading in my pocket, so I headed for the nearest tavern. Once inside I was treated to the guffaws and catcalls that I had grown accustomed to. I thought about the how Xena would come to my rescue if things got out of hand in a place like that, but I knew then that I was on my own. Yet, I wasn’t about to take any kind of harassment from anyone. I walked straight up to the bar and told the keeper that I wanted a room, that I wanted a hot bath, and I wanted a drink, a strong drink.

One thing I can say about Xena, she was a good teacher. Either that or I was just a good bard and paid close attention to her because whenever I was approached that night, I held my own. Once the first drink went down, I found myself smashing my mug over a head. Once the second drink went down, I got a little rougher, I was able to punch a couple faces. Once the third drink went down, all I had to do was hold up a sai and no one came within ten feet of me. The fourth drink went down, and by the time the fifth drink came around, I had a change of attitude.

I turned around in my seat and took a look around the room. The men there were mostly drunk by that time, but one of them didn’t look so bad. He sat by himself near the fireplace, and I was struck with how he looked so much like Xena’s brother Toris - how much he looked like Xena. There was no way he could have been Toris though, and he wasn’t Xena by a long shot, but right then it didn’t matter. I picked up my mug and stood, making a steady beeline over to the man.

"Hey. Do you have a room?" He looked up at me in surprise. I guessed that my earlier actions made this question quite unexpected. He nodded slightly, with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"Do you want to show it to me?" I asked. Then I leaned in close to him, "Or don’t you understand what I’m saying?"

He led the way up the stairs, and showed me into his room. Once the door was closed, he turned to me and bent his head down toward me. I put my hand on his face. "Don’t kiss me."

"I thought that you…" he started, taking a step back.

I countered him by taking a step forward and reaching up to grab his shoulders. I pushed him back and he sat on the bed when I pushed him into it. I knelt down in front of him and began unlacing his boots. He lay back on the bed and let me take them off. I then worked on his trousers; I could tell that he was enjoying my attentions as I eased them off his hips. He put his hands on my elbows and pulled me up onto the bed, flipping me over, he knelt above me and pulled his shirt over his head, then moved down to settle his legs between mine. He pulled me forward a little so that he could remove my top, then began to kiss my breasts, kneading them with hands larger than I was used to, and sucking each nipple. He buried his face in my cleavage and reached down to remove the rest of my clothes. He pushed forward a little and I could feel his hardness on the inside of my thigh. I gasped a little bit at that, almost wanted him to stop.

"I’m not ready yet," I said as I could feel him trying to probe at me. He looked up at me, trying to read my face, and I took a sharp breath as I saw that his eyes were blue. They weren’t quite the same shade as Xena’s, but blue nonetheless.

Without a word he slid back and kissed the length of my body, his long dark hair sweeping along my skin as he moved downward. His fingers lightly explored me, and finding resistance, he moved his face down between my thighs. Seeing only the top of his head there, the long dark hair and the strong muscled back, I could halfway close my eyes and pretend that he was someone else. I felt his tongue then, and I allowed my fantasy to let my body react. My hands reached for him, and I ran my fingers through his hair as his head gently bobbed up and down, his tongue pressed tight against me. No, he wasn’t quite as good as what I had known before, but my imagination helped the situation and soon I could feel my hips rocking with him, arching up to meet his mouth.

As I neared the brink, he suddenly reached up and flipped me over onto my stomach. Grabbing my thighs he pushed me forward so that I was on my knees and he entered me from behind. I almost thought I would tear as he plunged into me. His forcefulness caused me to fall forward, my chest to the bed, and I held my head in my hands. I imagined it was a hand inside me instead of his manhood, and his urgency and roughness only further built my fantasy. When I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I heard myself say her name into my hands and I felt myself release. After a few more thrusts, I felt a surge of heat go through me before he pulled out.

"What was that you said just now," he asked me after we both lay down on our sides to catch our breaths.

"Oh, nothing," I replied back at him as I got up and started to put my clothes back on. I could feel a mist in my eyes and I was desperate to get out of that room. I did not want to look into his eyes again.

"You don’t have to go yet." I could see him out of the corner of my eye, he had propped him self up on his elbow, his head on his hand. Through my clouded vision he looked so much like her … but then I blinked and the vision was gone. Without another word, I left the room. I never even asked his name.

I went to my own room, bolted the door once I was inside, and found that a tub was in the room as I requested. There was a fire burning in the hearth, and a few candles dimly lit the room. I heated some water and filled the tub. I stumbled around a little trying to shuck my clothes off. I wasn’t used to drinking, and the long days and nights without a bed and without Xena were taking their toll on me. I let my feelings wash over me with the water, the tears beginning to fall from my eyes once again, dripping down my face and landing on my chest. I let myself sink into the tub, the bath I was now quite aware of being alone in. I tried to remember the last time that I had a real bath without Xena there to share it with me. I felt guilty too, guilty for being with that man. I felt like I had cheated on her, but I needed the contact of another person.

Some time later I began to feel a chill, as the bath water grew cold. I pulled myself up out of the tub and dried myself. Without bothering to put on any clothes, I went over to the bed and fell into it, exhausted. I finally slept.

**********

I awoke from my sleep calling out Xena’s name. I couldn’t remember the dream I must have been having, but from the sweat on my brow I knew it must have been very intense. I felt a surge of panic, and instinctively reached across the bed to only find once again that Xena was not there. That was when I noticed the knocking at the door as the innkeeper was trying to rouse me to get out. I had overstayed my welcome.

"Just a minute!" I yelled to the door and the man behind it. My head throbbed as I raised my voice and the thoughts of the night before flooded back to me. I dressed quickly, put my sais into my boots and hung the chakram at my waist. From the shadows coming from the sun through the window, I knew I had slept well into the afternoon. I looked around the room, noticing that the fire from the night before was long cold, and the candles had all burned down to puddles of wax. I grabbed up the rest of my things, and unbolted the door.

"You need to leave, people are waiting for this room," the innkeeper told me as I pushed past him. He seemed like he might have been in the mood to hassle me a little more; perhaps to charge me for the time I had overstayed. But when I turned to look at him before heading down the stairs, I saw him look at the chakram and his slack jaw suddenly closed.

"That’s what I thought," I said as I turned once again to head down the stairs. I ordered a plate of food and ate quickly, this time not drinking anything stronger than water.

I didn’t really know what my next plan of action was going to be. I went back to the place where I had found the lone tree the day before and sat down in its shade once again. I couldn’t help but think that Xena was going to come to me to tell me what to do next. She always had a plan. I did not. I must have sat there for hours, and I began to notice that the sun was beginning a quick descent. I stood up finally, brushing the loose grass from my clothes and turned to the tree. I ran my fingers over the scars I had created the day before when I sank my sais into its flesh. That was when I got a plan. The first part of it at least.

I walked back into the town and headed for the stables. I had a feeling that even though the hour was getting late, the man who owned the place would be there. He was, and he didn’t seem at all surprised to see me back.

"I knew you’d be back," he leered at me, his eyes dancing over me.

"I knew you would say that," I replied, and grinned although I wanted to grimace. I walked over to him and placed a hand on his arm. "I was thinking about your offer, and it appears I have had to reconsider."

"I thought you might," he laughed, his horrid smile making me want to gag. He took my hand from where I placed it on his arm and let me to a vacant stall. Throwing down a blanket, he took off his shirt, his hairy dirty body repulsing me to the core. He settled down onto the blanket, then held out his hand to me. "Come here."

I took his hand and allowed myself to be pulled down onto the blanket. He rolled over on top of me, fumbling at my clothing. "Take this stuff off you whore," he breathed loudly at me. He groaned as he repositioned himself and started grabbing me between my thighs. His breath was hot on the side of my neck as he began to lick my throat. I shuddered at the thought of how disgusted I was, but he must have mistaken it for desire because then he said, "I can tell you want it."

"Oh I do," I said as I tolerated his big rough hands on my flesh. "Why don’t you let me please you?" I whispered to him and motioned for him to roll over onto his back. He complied easily, and I straddled his hips with my legs, and pulled his belt from around his waist.

"Now you’re getting the hang of it, " he groaned as he reached up to put his hands on my waist.

"Oh no you don’t," I said as seductively as I could muster. I took his hands and grinning from ear to ear I began to wrap the belt around his wrists.

"I think I’m going to enjoy this," he grunted as I pushed his arms up over his head.

"Not nearly as much as I am," I replied as I moved forward and put my knees on his biceps, resting all of my weight there and grabbing some tack from where it hung on the wall behind his head. Moving quickly I tied the tack to the belt around his wrists, and I saw his eyes suddenly go wide as he realized what a vulnerable state I now had him in. He was now tied to the wall, and with his arms in such a position I knew it would be hard for him to get himself back up. I then grabbed a handful of hay from the floor and shoved it into his gapping mouth. I stood up and looked down at him – helpless. I spat on his chest, then began to leave the stall. I changed my mind then and went back. Taking a step forward, I planted the heel of my boot on his balls.

"You will regret the day you met me, and even more will you regret calling me a whore," I said as I ground my heel into him. His face reddened and he made a desperate attempt to yell through the hay in his mouth. "And just so you can’t say I didn’t pay for a horse, here." I threw a single coin down at him left the stall.

I walked through the stable trying to decide which horse to take. A palomino whickered at me as I walked past. He was a beautiful creature, and I could feel myself take a sharp breath as I looked at him. He looked so much like Argo. But no, I couldn’t take him, and just for that reason. Besides, he was a little too large for me; I wanted a slightly smaller horse, a mare. Then I saw her, a dark chestnut beauty. She seemed to almost help me as I quickly put on the tack and hoisted the saddle into place. Perhaps she could sense that I was taking her away from her horrible master. I lead her from the stable, and saw the last bit of sun sink below the horizon. There was that reminder again.

I mounted the mare then, and rode quickly out of town into the night. I was so close to Egypt, but I wasn’t going to go there. No, I was going back to Greece.

**********

I traveled for several hours through the night heading north. I held the reigns slack and let the horse find her own way. When she started to show fatigue, I stopped to make camp. We were near a river I was able to get water for the horse and myself. I removed the saddle and tack, and wiped down her body, which was damp from the exertion and night air. I scouted around for some firewood as the horse began to graze. For some reason I knew she wasn’t going to wander off.

After I got a fire going, I went back down to the river to clean up. I still felt dirty from my run in with the man at the stables and wanted to wash away all traces of the thought of him. I went back to the fire and sat down staring into it like I had done so many times before.

"Looking out at the cosmos makes you think. About where we are, where we’ve been, where we’re going now…" I thought back on that conversation I had with Xena while sitting in a place much like this. That was the last time I slept out under the stars with her. I knew this night was not going to be easy for me, this was the first time I found myself back in a place that had such familiarity to it. We had set up camp in many different places, but each time it was almost like being in the same place, like being at home.

I laid down on the bedroll, the same bedroll that Xena and I shared. I lay on my back, looking up into the night sky, looking at the same stars that Xena and I used to look at together. I looked for the group of stars that she said she thought looked like a dipper. A chill ran through me and I pulled the bedroll around me. I pulled it up to my chin, and I found myself bringing it up close to my nose, finding the scent of Xena still clinging to it. My eyes began to sting as I lay there, breathing in her scent, the smell of her hair and her leather almost as strong as if she was there beside me. I rolled over, refusing to look at the stars anymore, and I quietly cried myself to sleep.

I awoke violently, the dream still very fresh in my head, the image playing over and over. I couldn’t shake it, the sinking feeling in my heart felt as strong as it did then despite the amount of time that had passed. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to shake it anytime soon, either.

I got up and broke camp. Xena had taught me to make a campsite look as if no one had even been there. I might not have bothered to, but I had the thought in the back of my mind that the horse trader might have tried to follow me. I didn’t need to take any chances. I did kind of almost chuckle to myself though because I must have looked like a somewhat threatening sight now with my sais in my boots, the chakram at my side, and Xena’s sword strapped to my back. After what I did to the horse trader, if he saw me like this he may reconsider trying to exact vengeance.

After I got all my gear together, I whistled. It was partly out of curiosity, and partly out of old habit, although it was Xena’s habit. Perhaps Xena really was inside me. A thin smile played at my lips as the mare trotted towards me. With a touch of sadness I wondered where Argo the second was, whenever Xena and I left her before she seemed to always know we would be back. Would she have realized after so much time had passed that Xena was not coming back?

I was soon on my way again, the horse’s steady gait rocking me in the saddle. The hours of riding offered me no comfort as I found all I could do was rehash the events of the past few weeks in my head. As my former self I would have taken the monotonous hours to do what Xena called the "bard thing". I almost always talked my stories out loud first before putting them on parchment, and I couldn’t quite bring myself to speak out loud with no one but a horse to listen. It wasn’t like there was anyone around to see me look silly talking to myself, but I still couldn’t do it. I didn’t have it in me to talk out the only story that was in my head anyway. Instead I could only picture it in my mind’s eye. I pictured back to what happened.

As I sat next to the Fountain of Strength after Xena disappeared, I watched the darkness take over. I felt numb and not just because it was getting very cold. I finally stood, and somehow in the darkness I managed to find my way back to where my horse had fallen. I pulled the saddlebags from the horse, and searched inside for some oil and a flint. I found a branch and tore another piece of cloth from my already torn shirt to wrap around it. Thus I created a torch, and hoisting the saddlebags up onto my shoulders, I picked up Xena’s urn and used the light from the torch to find my way back to Higuchi. I can almost picture myself looking much as Xena did walking through the streets of Higuchi holding the urn with Akemi’s remains. Only this time, things were a little different. No one was coming after me. I could feel eyes upon me from behind partly closed windows, but I didn’t care if they were looking. I suppose they were relieved that I made a point of putting out my torch before I got there. I walked to the building at the edge of town where Xena and I had our last conversation while she was living.

"Feel the surge of blood just below the skin," I heard her voice saying to me again. But then the room was almost deafening in its silence. I sat down on the floor where we had spent our last moments together. I put her urn down in front of me, and suddenly I could see her as clearly as I could have if she was really there.

"Xena," I started to cry, and I put my hand over my mouth to prevent the gasping that comes with tears. Xena reached out and put her hands on my shoulders.

"Shh, Gabrielle. I’m here with you now." She pulled me into her arms and she felt so real, it was still hard to believe she was just a ghost. It was hard to believe the last time I kissed her she was a ghost. "I don’t know how much longer I will be able to keep coming to you like this Gabrielle. You need to learn to go on without me. "

Suddenly she was gone. I felt my arms go slack without the support of her body holding them. I wondered how long she had held me like that as I noticed the sun was starting to rise. I stood and walked outside. Smoke still filled the air as the foliage around still smoldered. I carried Xena’s urn with me as I walked into the trees. I didn’t know why I was walking there, walking toward the place where Xena’s life had been taken. But I stopped short. I wasn’t sure why I did at first, until I looked down and saw that the spot I was standing on looked like it had been freshly dug.

"Are you trying to tell me something, Xena?" I asked, not expecting a reply. I put down the urn and began digging into the soil with my hands, at first tentatively, then with urgency. I felt my fingertips hit something metal, and I knew instantly what it was. Reaching through the dirt I felt the handle of Xena’s sword. I pulled it up through the dirt, and reached back in again to find Xena’s armor. I pulled it out, shaking the dirt from the intricate patterns. I held it up, and then pulled it into me hugging the armor like I had done some many times only this time without the woman I loved inside.

After a few moments, I stood up again, and then, as if by instinct alone I put Xena’s armor on. The front part of the armor dug a little into my abdomen, which didn’t surprise me as it covered Xena’s sternum but obviously hers was a little longer than mine was. I thought back to the time when I had worn her armor before, so long ago. Something else was pulling my thoughts though as I put the sword on my back and started walking again. The ground was littered with thousands of arrows, and blood. The bodies had since been removed, but I felt as if their spirits were still there. I walked toward a wagon that was broken and turned on its side.

It was like a bright flash of light, then darkness, as I could no longer see. I panicked at my blindness, but like a bolt of lightning, the images came to me. I felt myself spinning and seeing everything. I saw Xena, pinned against the wagon, an arrow in her arm, I watched her free herself and stand, pulling the katana from its sheath. I saw everything; the bodies falling around her as she moved forward, cutting down all that stood in her way. But what stood out the most was the only sound I could hear, Xena calling out my name - screaming my name. All that time I had believed she didn’t want me there, but she called out my name while she was dying. She was showing me this.

Then I saw the final blow.

Chapter 2

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